The Malaysian Insider :: Opinion

Posted: 12 Jun 2011 05:14 PM PDT

JUNE 13 — The Arab Spring may be continuing but for one section of Arab society some things don't appear to be changing. In March, Amnesty International reported that some of the women protestors in Egypt had been forced to undergo "virginity tests" and the previous month, Lara Logan, a CBS reporter was beaten up and sexually assaulted by a mob in Tahrir Square.

Women in many countries — especially conservative ones — face an uphill struggle to be treated equally (or even to be treated well). There are brave women all over the world who courageously fight for the right to have an education, to work, to be something more than just a servant and a sexual object.

Compared to many countries in the world, Malaysian women aren't too badly off. Then along came the Obedient Wives Club (OWC), and that made me wonder if in fact, we women are taking a backwards step.

I don't doubt that the OWC are completely sincere in wanting to improve the lives of their members. In fact, given how repressed our society is when it comes to all things sexual, I think it may even be healthy to have a forum where people can find out more information and seek advice about sex without feeling embarrassed or censured.

As OWC national director Fauziah Ariffin puts it in an interview with The Malay Mail: "In our society, wives often feel sex is a taboo subject, hence their negligence in addressing the sexual matter in their marriage."

That said though, I can't say I'm entirely comfortable with the philosophy that appears to underpin the club. Yes, I can certainly understand that some marriages flounder because of sexual problems, but surely there's more to marriage than just sex? What about marriage as an equal partnership, with both partners sharing the joys and burdens of a life together?

Also, the club's stance on marital sex, I rather fear, is sending the wrong message to people.

To my mind, a wife is neither superior nor subservient to her husband, and vice-versa. Both are equal in the relationship, which means each must respect the other.

Of course, we should all be considerate towards our partners' needs. However, the OWC appear to be advocating women to go one further, and subjugate themselves to their husbands. Maybe it's because I've lived in the West for some time, but don't we women have a right to our own bodies?

When I was younger I couldn't get my head around the concept of marital rape. How can rape occur in a marriage? But of course, it can. It's one thing to say no when you're simply tired and want to go to sleep, but having to perform anyway because your husband expects it. It's quite another when you say no and then have your husband beat you up and then forcing himself on you anyway.

Yet the OWC's message appears to be that married women should have sex whenever their husbands want it; in effect, married women have no right to say no. Yes, lack of sexual interest from a wife can lead a husband astray, but wouldn't it better to advocate an approach that concentrates on rebuilding relationships, rather than just concentrating on sex as a panacea to all marriage problems?

And anyway, what about men? Contrary to popular belief, not all men think about sex all the time. Yes, sometimes even men are too tired for sex after a hard day's work. What if it's the wife who wants sex, but the husband refuses? For fairness' sake, shouldn't there be an Obedient Husbands Club too, where men are exhorted to be studs to their wives?

In any case, it doesn't matter if there's a bidadari at home looking after all his needs if a man decides to play away, does it? He can then have it both ways! (And of course, that works for a woman too!)

To me, the problem with the OWC approach is not just the emphasis on sex but also the focus on women. Thankfully not all Malaysian men want to dominate their wives, but there are still people out there who think it's perfectly natural — their God-given right, in fact — to control another person through marriage. It is attitudes like this that needs challenging, and unfortunately, sincere though the OWC might be in advocating better marriages, the message that they're propagating isn't helping.

I don't disagree that sex is an important feature in married life, but to focus solely on it, and in such a skewed manner, might not be the healthiest way to approach what is actually a very important issue — and one that is usually swept under the carpet, too.

We women in Malaysia are fortunate that our place in society is quite good compared to women in other countries. We don't need our husbands' permission to do most normal, everyday things. Nonetheless, attitudes towards women in some sections of society need to be continually challenged — though they are entitled to their ideas, I can't say I agree with the OWC and I certainly wouldn't want any of my younger relatives — male and female — to have such ideas foisted on them.

When I was growing up, I often heard this phrase: sejauh mana budak-budak perempuan belajar, lama-lama masuk dapur juga. Thankfully I've not heard that mentioned in many years, but with the emergence of OWC, I wonder if youngsters like my niece might hear something like this instead — sejauh mana budak-budak perempuan belajar, lama-lama jadi hamba seks suami.

I for one certainly hope not!

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.

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The audacity of youth

Posted: 12 Jun 2011 04:55 PM PDT

JUNE 13 — My wife and I were away in London for the last two weeks where we had the opportunity to visit our three older children together with some of their friends.

My eldest daughter is doing a master's in risk management and financial engineering at Imperial College, my second daughter is midway through doing her chartered accountancy with one of the big four in Cambridge and my son is in his final year at UCL doing human genetics.

Over the period of my stay in London I met some of their friends and course mates over a number of dinners. There were different stories but they tended to be unique to the individual. Overall what stood out was their determination to succeed.

The two German chaps I met were well on their way in life with jobs already secured after completion of their master's, with major global banks. One told me of his experience with a German conglomerate where he was put in charge of a project worth about US$100 million (RM300 million) when he was only 21 years old.

It seems that the German way is to challenge their youth at a young age but it appears to have paid dividends for the young man as he is extremely employable globally at the tender age of 25.

The other German gentleman, though a little older, told me how he has done a deal with his employer after graduation whereby the employer agrees to place him in China for six months.

He feels that he really needs to have some experience in China to further his career. These young men are extremely focussed on what they want to achieve and it appears that they have the full support of their mentors in Germany.

Another two whom I met was a chap of South Asian descent who graduated in mathematics from an Ivy League university in the US and a Lebanese girl who graduated from a university in Beirut.

I don't know what the US graduate will do after his master's but as he is only 21 years old, I am sure the world will be his oyster. As for the Lebanese girl, she was by her own account seriously out of her depth when she first joined the master's course and wanted to quit in the early part of it.

Nevertheless she persevered and found a PhD to tutor her on the higher level mathematics required for the master's. In the interim, she managed to obtain a job offer in Dubai which will pay her nearly US$100,000 a year upon graduation. That's pretty good for a 24-year-old.

When I went to Cambridge to meet by daughter who is midway into her chartered accountancy course, I met up with five of her colleagues at the same stage, who were British and hailed from various parts of the country: from Scotland, the Midlands to the south of England.

Over dinner I enquired what they would do if they failed in their exams as of the six of them, my daughter included, it was likely that not all of them would pass the notoriously difficult ICAEW professional exams.

It seems that they too were aware of that possibility but as one of them remarked, they would still be better off part qualified than if they only relied on the degrees that they already had. This view is likely to be correct as some of them, like my daughter who graduated in biomedical science, did not have an accounting background prior to joining the firm.

Having to work and study at the same time is challenging but for those who are successful, the reward is a portable professional qualification that is globally recognised. Certainly these young people recognise the risks but what sets them apart from their peers is their ability to take risks, work hard and hope for a better future for themselves.

I also met up with my son's housemate who is an Indonesian doing his final year in agribusiness in a UK university. His ambition is to launch himself into the livestock industry in Indonesia but he intends to spend time in India after his graduation to expand his knowledge in the field.

I do not know exactly what my son will do after graduation but I suspect that he too will have to work hard, move out of his comfort zone and take calculated risks if he wants to succeed in the future.

My trip to London exposed me to some of the youthful talent in the world. Irrespective of the vagaries in the world economy, many of them, because they already have solid academic credentials and are prepared to compete in the world, will succeed in the future. The colour of their skin, their gender, their looks or even their height is not going to stop these truly talented youth from succeeding in today's world.

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.

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Kredit: http://www.themalaysianinsider.com

Isnin, 13 Jun 2011

The Malaysian Insider :: Opinion

The Malaysian Insider :: Opinion

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