The Malaysian Insider :: Books
The Malaysian Insider :: Books |
| Posted: 30 Sep 2012 05:07 PM PDT
I: The book It is the end of days. The nurse comes and takes away the vase of flowers. She sweeps the dead leaves off the window counter, disappears, and then returns with fresh flowers in the vase. These white flowers, what sort are they, you ask yourself, but you can't quite remember their name. They are pretty. The nurse helps you to sit up on the bed, plumps up the pillow for your back. She smiles at you, pretty as a flower, she is. Are you waiting for your lover, you wonder, or has that time come and gone? There is a book beside your bed. You can't quite make out the title on the spine but even if you could read it, you know you will forget it as soon as you turn away from it. No point beginning, you think, you won't have time to finish the book. The nurse walks over and pulls apart the curtains, letting in the dawn light. "Thank you, nurse," you say, barely recognising your own voice. It has aged, caking with doubt and disappointment, yes? The sun comes in. It is a new day, but even new days will end. The nurse walks out, leaving you alone.
We sit together on the bench, slightly apart, not looking at each other. The bench is on the hilltop overseeing the city below. The tree branches overhead offer some shade. It is like the scene from a movie, when lovers say goodbye to each other, but we are not lovers. "You didn't visit me at the hospital," you say. "No. No, I didn't." "It's okay. I told most of them not to come, but they came anyway. Such sweet darlings." "I don't like hospitals. People … people die in hospitals." "People do. It's okay." "You are an amazing woman, you know that?" "I survive. I deal. We all do. It's not that different from what everyone has to handle every day." "Some of us don't deal all that well. I don't think I do." "You will. You do." "Will I? I just hope it won't take cancer for me to figure that out … Sorry, I didn't mean that …" "It's okay. It's cancer. I'm dealing with it. And it didn't take getting cancer for me to realise there are so many things I want to do … Cancer just made things more … urgent." "You are just amazing." "Oh honey, if only you can see how amazing you are already, you won't say this. Come here." And I lean into you, sinking into a deep hug, a comforting embrace. We must look like lovers from a distance, discovering each other, about to embark on a life together. The sun sets, without hurry. III: The fountain We meet at the wake. We have not seen each other in weeks. We dance around the grieving family, avoiding each other's eyes. We offer our condolences separately to the bereaved, walk across the room to another family member, swap and repeat; all without sharing a nod or a single word. The night is long, the gossip and the conversations are peppered by the cracking of groundnut shells and the chatter of mahjong tiles. Too late, we both realise we haven't paid our respects to the departed. We join the queue, the last in line. I step in behind you, catching a whiff of your favourite perfume. You haven't changed one bit. We take one step, two; we get closer to the coffin. Here, he is. Our friend, our brother, our mentor: the light and the life of our parties. There shall be parties no more. I cannot see your face but I know you are sorrowful. I put my hand on your shoulder, the way I used to. I cannot help myself. I need to comfort you. "You were there when he died." "Yes," I say. "He just collapsed, they say. He was telling a joke one minute, and then he collapsed." "He never finished the joke. But we knew the ending. It was always the same joke." "Yes, he only had one. But it was a good one. He was a good one. You tried, didn't you, saving him?" "CPR. I didn't know much else, you know that. I was never really good in emergencies. But I try." You turn to me, and you are barely there. In your eyes, your beautiful eyes, you are barely there. You ask me, "How do you keep going? How do you keep trying? How can you still be strong?" It is an accusation, a challenge, a riddle. I don't have an answer for you, but I know the truth, "I am only strong because I know you are." "Nonsense." "You are. You are my strength. You are my fountain." We look at each other, no more fights left in us, no more promises. We fall into each other and one of us starts crying. We have each other. We have each other. "There she was, my beauty, my love, my love eternal." — Darren Aronofsky and Kent Williams, The Fountain The Fountain, by Darren Aronofsky and Kent Williams (Vertigo, 2005) * Kenny doesn't know if there is life after life, only that the one we have now is pretty darn precious already. Read more of his musings at http://lifeforbeginners.com |
KUALA LUMPUR, Oct 1 — "What I'm feeling on the inside is so, so full. Every breath. Every one." — Darren Aronofsky and Kent Williams, The Fountain
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