The Malaysian Insider :: Opinion
The Malaysian Insider :: Opinion |
| Half my life without my father Posted: 21 Nov 2012 03:44 PM PST NOV 22 — Tomorrow is 20 years since my dad died. Loss is not a unique human experience, yet its certainty plagues us and no amount of knowing ends the anxiety attached to it. Half my life has passed since, so I might be a different person today with a different sense of what that day two decades ago means. He was the only person I've lost in my immediate family in my living memory — I had an older infant sister die (her twin survived) before me — so the emotive experience was and is considerable. More so because my father and I never spent that much time together. He was either at one of his two jobs, or at home sleeping. This is what I remember. Afternoon madness As a child I was precocious. I'd be making speeches all the time, I'm told. I'm not sure if they made altogether any sense but this loquacious five-year-old self just would not stop. I couldn't help myself.  A picture of the writer's father (right) from the Sixties. This also I presume distanced me from my cousins; it might be the common occurrence of staying away from the child freak — which continued to me being a party freak in university. There is this secret I shared with my dad. In my second week in my secondary school, I wanted to try out for the school team, and first formers don't try out generally for the Under-15s. Wanted is the right word, as I lost my nerve minutes before the tryouts. I stood and watched the lads from afar. Dad was to pick me up hours later and when he arrived, he saw a dejected lad — and I must have appeared pale — but he said nothing. He must have known I was hurt all over, but he did what was the best he could have at the moment, he said nothing. We went home and we never talked about it. Then there are times he felt he had to explain things to me. I was 15 and dad sat me down and chatted about my political views. Word must have travelled to my dad about how I am always having a go at Barisan Nasional. It was cute when I was below 10, but as adulthood was fast approaching and with the knowledge what a life of being a BN opponent meant, my dad tried to talk me out of my politics. He explained to me that I had to focus on getting ahead in school and after that a career, and not fill my head with fanciful ideas of revolution. He was worried that in time my conviction would be trouble — and so it was. My parents were on a "growth" programme, to get their kids several rungs up the social ladder through education. Mom finished three years of schooling in India, and dad had six years in a Tamil school in the old Cheras neighbourhood. They were hoping the young ones would get much further than them. The housewife and government driver wanted their children to stay out of trouble and on the way to home and vehicle ownership — the Malaysian dream. My dad spoke to me, but no ultimatums were made. He wanted me to understand the choice I was making and that he did not approve. It is liberating to know that my dad allowed me to choose, most parents in the '80s were not as accommodating. On the road again When dad bought a second-hand Datsun 120Y — about the only car whose make I memorised, including the vehicles I went on to own — in 1979, the family's sense of well-being improved markedly. Not many had cars in our Kampung Pandan settlement. However, it did get tricky whenever it rained since there was no air-conditioning, the car misted up. Mom, riding shotgun, would be wiping the windshield from the inside as dad relied on experience rather than vision to navigate. The kids at the back sweated it out, without saying "Are we there yet?" Then there were the rides to school in my secondary school years. I'd be sitting in front, since I was the last drop-off the front spot was consigned to me. But I'd sleep most of the time. 6am is punishment, but that's when you had to leave to beat the Cheras crawl from Batu 9. The routine was the same. We'd wake up at 5am. Dad would have been asleep since 3am when he got back from his night shift taxi gig. All of us would get dressed and then mom would wake him. My dad would drive us to school, the four of us in four different campuses, before he'd head to his day job at the Public Works Department. And I do my part, by sleeping till the gates of the Victoria Institution were upon us. The odd memory I misremember. I had more than enough occasion to speak to my father, it appears not then I did not have the maturity to appreciate the time. I'm sorry I did not talk enough. For a guy who does a whole bunch of it, I never did enough of it with my own father. And now I have several more decades to consider the opportunities lost. The only thing my dad's death did for me was give me an amazing affinity with the word bittersweet. The last time I saw my dad was two days before his death, as he sat in his hospital bed and held my hand. It struck me as very odd that he was actually holding my hand. You can say that we are not a touchy feely family, and men definitely don't hold other men's hands. Well, my dad most certainly did not. I did not read too much into it. He was recovering after being admitted four days earlier, and he was due for a discharge. I just thought he was wishing me luck for my first-ever debate the next day. I did not even visit him the next day and rather went to the cinema with some friends. The hospital was less than a kilometre away. Dad had some complications the next day unexpectedly and within half an hour his lungs failed. The idea that a man's life is defined by what he has never appealed to me. It is what a man wants for others which impresses me, and in my father I had a man who only lived for others. I do wish I had lived a little bit more for him. Not much, not competing with him, just always ask myself to care more. I fail more than I succeed. While he was serious, he was warm and funny. He had a sense of humour; he did not take the mickey out of me when I won nothing in my first school sports at the VI but only managed to rip the styrofoam spanner from the large ant we built as part of the sports house decor. It stayed in a corner of my room, till it stopped being funny, even for me. Or the time the former secret society member (my dad) grabbed the TV to chuck at me because I came home with a horror haircut courtesy of a friend. Luckily the VCR and other electronic gadgets were tangled up and he never got to inflict the type of injury the haircut really deserved. Or that he suffered me and never categorised his miscreant son as anything less than amusing. But it is the memories you live with, holding on to them like a jealous lover. I just wished when he was around I held on to him more often. So, it's 20 years tomorrow. * The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist. |
| ‘Seronok juga jadi PM,’ kata Hadi Posted: 21 Nov 2012 03:27 PM PST 22 NOV — Ada apa pada PM? Di Malaysia jawatan kepimpinan politik paling tinggi ialah Perdana Menteri. Apabila orang menyebut PM pastinya mereka sedang merujuk kepada satu jawatan yang hanya akan disandang dari individu parti yang memerintah. Sejak dari dulu lagi kerusi PM menjadi kerusi "panas" kerana ia menjadi rebutan sesama parti pemerintah sendiri mahupun pesaing politiknya. PM juga seorang yang berkuasa di Malaysia, dia boleh membubar Parlimen dan menyusun kabinet serta menentukan perbelanjaan negara. Semua orang suka kepada individu yang berjawatan PM khususnya orang yang berniaga besar kerana dengan mengenali PM berbagai kontrak lumayan boleh diperolehi. Muktamar dan PM Dalam banyak isu yang dibahaskan semasa Muktamar PAS baru-baru ini, tajuk "Hadi jadi PM" mendapat perhatian akhbar arus perdana. Cara berita itu dipaparkan seolah-olah keseluruhan muktamar terfokus untuk berbicara tentang perlunya Presiden PAS itu menjadi PM setelah selesai tugas sampai ke Putrajaya. Bagi yang membaca media arus perdana dan tidak tahu menahu perjalanan muktamar pasti akan membuat rumusan bahawa PAS "gila kuasa" dan "menolak Anwar Ibrahim" ataupun PAS tiada agenda melainkan mahu jadi PM dll rumusan liar yang membentuk persepsi negatif terhadap PAS. Pendek kata tenggelamlah slogan Negara Berkebajikan Teras Perpaduan dan seolah-olah diganti dengan "Hadi Mahu Jadi PM" menjadi tema muktamar baru-baru ini. Hasrat tersirat Apakah hasrat sebenarnya dan apakah motif pampangan berita sebegitu rupa tentang Presiden PAS layak jadi PM? Pertama, mana-mana parti di Malaysia pasti akan meletakkan pemimpin nombor satunya sebagai yang terbaik, malah itulah caranya mereka melahirkan penghargaan dan pengharapan terhadap ketua mereka. Amatlah pelik jika mereka melaungkan hasrat mereka dengan menyebut nama pemimpin yang tidak ada kena mengena dengan hiraki parti. Malah amatlah pelik juga jika mereka menyebut nama pemimpin PAS sendiri yang tidak menjadi Presiden kepada parti saat itu. Bagi saya, nama Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang selaku Presiden PAS ketika ini dilaungkan namanya sebagai PM jika Pakatan jadi kerajaan adalah satu tindakan yang normal lahir dari hasrat para perwakilan parti yang normal.Tiada apa yang ganjilnya dalam suasana kehangatan para perwakilan dan semangat parti menerajui perubahan politik di Malaysia. Bagi saya juga yang pelik ialah mengapa media memutarbelitkan hasrat yang tulus murni ini dari perwakilan PAS? Yang pelik seharusnya apabila perwakilan Umno menuntut Hadi mesti jadi PM! Media longkang Kedua, amatlah jelas peranan jijik media yang selama ini menjadi hamba kepada politik desperado Umno dan BN. Media perdana UM, BH dan TV3 selamanya merendahkan martabat warga media kerana memperhambakan dirinya secara rela untuk diperkosa oleh politik jijik Umno dan sekutunya. Mereka hidup dengan alunan zikir maki PAS atau puji PAS demi memenuhi selera politik kotor tuannya yang bernama Umno. Apatah lagi setiap perkataan yang dihemburkan oleh pemimpin PAS akan jadi peluru untuk tembak PAS dan kepimpinannya, maka tiada kejutan kali ini jika tajuk media berteriak "Hadi PM, jika PR menang" Fakta disembunyikan Muktamar tiga hari di Kota Baru pada 16-18 Nov baru-baru ini sarat dengan mesej penting bagi sebuah parti politik Islam yang senior di rantau ini. PAS melangkah megah dan pencapaiannya hari ini adalah terbaik untuk parti itu melonjak ke pesada kuasa nasional. Apa yang disembunyikan ialah komitmen PAS mengharungi cabaran bersama rakanya di Pakatan Rakyat. Hampir semua perwakilan yang berucap tidak bercanggah pendapat mahukan PAS bersama PR walaupun kritikan pedas perwakilan mahukan PAS tidak cair dalam strategi politiknya. Mesej kebersamaan dengan PR adalah tonggak utama yang menentukan pertarungan PRU ke-13 nanti dan ia amat digeruni oleh musuh politiknya. Amatlah jelas di sebalik serangan bertubi-tubi selama 4 tahun kepada PR, Pakatan tetap kukoh dan sokongan terhadapnya tidak terjejas, oleh itu agenda media budak suruhan Umno perlu menyerang asas ini dan tiada yang lebih baik daripada menyerang Muktamar PAS bagi menggambarkan kerapuhan hubungan PR. Kematangan PAS PAS semakin matang dari segi keterbukaan mengkritik kepimpinannya. Suasana muktamar juga menggambarkan keprihatinan untuk memastikan PAS tidak ketinggalan dalam perubahan lanskap politik. Ini diterjemahkan dalam nuansa keperluan PAS tidak hilang dan cair dasar Islam yang diperjuangkannya. Kritikan kepada sebahagian pendekatan yang dikatakan melonggarkan dasar PAS serta beberapa kepimpinan yang suka membuat kenyataan akhbar sehingga melambangkan kononnya perbezaan sikap adalah lambang keterbukaan suasana muktamar. Ini adalah dinamika PAS dalam mengharungi perkembangan parti yang kini semakin melebar pengaruhnya. Suara non-Muslim Menarik juga ialah suara Dewan Himpunan Penyokong PAS (DHPP) yang menyatakan sokongan padu kepada PAS. Mereka juga menggambarkan diri mereka sebagai tentera untuk memenangkan perjuangan Islam yang dipelopori oleh PAS. Media longkang UM dan BH serta TV3 tidak pula melaporkan pengiktirafan DHPP kepada kesederhanaan Islam yang dihayati oleh PAS. Bagi saya ini adalah pencapaian besar PAS yang berjaya memecah tembok dengan segmen bukan Melayu yang diserapkan dalam organisasi parti. Kehadiran perwakilan DHPP dan ucapan-ucapan mereka serta pergaulan mesra dengan perwakilan adalah lambang lonjakan PAS menjadi parti multi-racial, sesuatu yang amat diperlukan untuk PAS. Apa Hadi kata Saya mengamati ucapan penggulungan Presiden PAS yang begitu cermat memilih kata-kata dan ungkapannya. Hadi telah berjaya mengimbangi antara kebimbangan perwakilan dan harapan strategi bersama PR dengan penegasan PAS terhadap dasar Islamnya. Seterusnya beliau menegur sikap bergesa-gesa perwakilan tentang perlaksanaan Islam dengan membawa contoh di zaman Umawiyah Omar Ibnul Aziz. Antara kata-kata Omar Ibnul Aziz apabila ditanya oleh anaknya yang bimbang mengapa ayahnya tidak melaksanakan Islam semuanya dalam perlaksanaan hukum jenayah, beliau menjawab: Wahai anakku, sedangkan Allah mengharamkan arak berperingkat-peringkat, aku khuatir akan jadi fitnah kepada Islam jikalau aku melaksanakan tergesa-gesa keseluruhannya mereka akan tolak keseluruhannya. Ucapan ini mempunyai signifikasi mendalam kepada kebijaksanaan memegang tampok pemerintahan dan melaksanakan Islam. Akhirnya Presiden PAS itu membuat komentar tentang desakan supaya beliau menjadi PM apabila PR menang dengan berkata: "Seronok juga jadi PM, tapi biarlah Islam menang dulu lepas itu nak mati pun takpalah... jangan jadi orang pergi memancing, ikan tak dapat lagi rempah dah siap kononnya nanti akan dapat ikan besar tapi akhirnya dapat ikan kecik aja..." Hadi semakin matang memimpin parti dalam saat getir arus perubahan politik negara, sikap kebapaannya melayan berbagai arus dalam parti yang membentuk dinamikanya hari ini amat disanjung oleh perwakilan. Saya tak akan lupa ungkapannya tentang hasrat menjadi PM dengan kata sinis: "Seronok juga jadi PM..." * The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist. |
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